Contented Confusion

Found out today there was nothing really wrong. Went for a walk with my fiance and we talked about how get married in a way that was meaningful to us without all the glitz of expectation that we felt was a part of society. I love her and I want to be with her so badly; to wake up next to the one that I will spend the rest of my life with and fall asleep in her arms...I miss her.

I'll see her tonight when I get out of work for a bit. Then we'll get up and go to church tomorrow morning and spend the afternoon together before I go yet again to work and then home. The voices of those around me fill my mind with questions of what my plans are for the future, if I intend on going back to school, how I will do this or that, different things that people say that don't really point in any one direction but just leave things open ended.

Which way do I go? How do I get there? Too bad those around me don't really have the answer that I'm looking for. It is strange to me that those questions linger and yet I look about me and realize that I am content with where I am.

I want to work and get married and eventually start a family. That's all I really want. I don't want anything glamorous. Everyone says you can't do it without an education but the truth is that the higher the salary the bigger the bills. One could make 80,000 a year and have a big house and fancy cars and all the best of everything but still have a hard time making ends meet and want more and more.

One could also make 20,000 a year and have enough to get by on but little more than that and still be ok. Do you know what I really want? I want the woods. I want the earth, the wind, the rain and the lightning. I want to touch nature and be a part of it. Some people spend their whole lives going after the bigger paycheck and end up with a broken home, a forclosure on their house, and have to give their cars back and for what?

All because Ford, GM, or Chrystler downsized and they loose everything. What are they left with? Exactly what I have and I didn't pay for it: nature. They sky does not change, nor the rivers or birds. The only difference is that what I earn comes in the form of satisfaction and peace and that what I do not have I do not need and that what I do need is given me. I can trust that. I can know that for certain.

There is a quietness that has been over me for the better part of the day and even this past week. I have moved to a better place where I am centered and it shows. I am thankful for this. I am thankful that this day, all is as it should be and what will be, will be.

Slept Late...

...i find it hard...it's hard to find...cigarette, coffee, silence and so begins my day. I lost control sometime during last night's romp through the haunted forest in my mind and have awoken to the reality and the disappointment that the rest of the world has been alive for quite sometime now.

I leave for work in an hour and now must sift the anxious desire to find my peace from the battlefield just outside my door. I am a slave and the harsh wind has become my master beating it's driving whip down upon my back till I move and act according to it's will. My Creator seems distant and through the wind of confusion in my soul it feels as though he is unable to hear my voice.

For the last two nights that I have laid my head to slumber in my new residence I have entered fearing the loneliness I once felt so long ago. As I said, somewhere during last night's romp I lost control. I have awoken a disaster with things scattered about that are my duty to pick up because I alone own them.

It is not the fact that I don't want to pick up after myself, but it is a reminder that I can only keep things straight for so long. I am messy. I am a mess. It is embarrassing and I want to hide it. It is a frightful thing to know that people are not the problem, but it is me; I alone am the one who must submit for fear of being realized as an inconvenience, in the way, someone else's problem.

That sense pervades with every new place I find myself in, that I must hide, that I must stay out of the way and hidden speaking not, touching not. There are obligations I feel inside of me, the duty of work and maintaining life, that I must free myself from in order to fulfill them. The more I let go, the more I find that I belong.

A woman walks down the sidewalk with her son. Her only purpose this afternoon. I watch disdainfully for misery loves company as I have chosen to bare the weight of the world upon my back. That is the truth: I have chosen it and that is more disdainful than anything. To be the martyr for my own cause and justify the agony rather than reject it. How dare I do that to myself.

How dare I not fight for what I need. How dare any of us expect a badge of honor for our own inadequacies.

Settling Dust

There is a soothing in the chaos and an excitement in the air as I have awoken this morning. The buzz of people moving about with disregard for the sleeping dog has ended and I greet this new chapter with open arms. I moved for the 19th time in my 29 years of life this last weekend and can finally say that I have looked forward to it with anticipation.

I left my fiances house last night and stopped by Meijer to pick up a few things to enlighten my room afresh instead of the grimy bulbs that grace the fixture on my ceiling and a six-pack to celebrate of which I only drank two cans from but still were more than I could hope for. As I was at the store I wandered through the isles of different wares that people purchase when they are starting out a newness in their lives and I too felt for the first time that I was about to raise my standard of living, and that, for the better.

I wandered down the hallways of dinnerware and place settings and through the corridors of intimates and stopped by the home where music and cameras capture the moments of life we would not soon forget. I thought of all the wonderful things that are to come and the joy that will abound as I take my first steps into my adult life.

There is a sense of pride about my life rather than the need to prove wrong what my world has considered what is and what should be. All things are permissable and I have a healthy mind to distinguish between what is beneficial and what is not. I have been set free now to run the course my life will take and welcome the blessing that I may now choose the good and leave the agony thus far behind me.

I am thrilled by this new adventure and embrace a sense of purpose that has been cocooned for so long and has now been given birth to something beautiful, and determined.


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Moviing Today

Today I am moving. I am content with that and happy. I'm almost 30 years old and have moved nearly 20 times and this may indeed be the first time that I have actually looked forward to it. I awoke this morning a half hour before I decided last night that I would get up due to the constant noise that lives here along side me.

My house mates married girlfriend moved in not long ago with her son and two dogs. My other house mate also has a dog. I am tired and I am angry over being pushed aside and of the sense that I am an inconvenience, but this day I claim for myself: it's not that I have been asked to leave, but that I am happy to go.

I sip coffee and puff a cigarette while listening to Three Days Grace, my usual fare when I wake up. I am waiting for my chance, my opportunity. I've been to Louisville to the Derby Museum and I've been out on the track where the races are. I too have been in the stable and prepared and now I wait anxiously, determined, focused on the race set before me. The gate will open and I will run with fury.

I will not look back on where I've come save to drive every stride I take. I will not faulter and I will not go left or right. I will win that which I have set out for. The sky is gray and it is raining. It is the start of springtime and last nights storm has left a chil in the air. My fiance will arrive in two hours to help me pack the rest of my things and will drive with me to my new place.

That place too will only be temporary but will be useful in the mean time. My new room mate works days and I work afternoons and we'll see each other but in passing on occasion. I will wake there in quiet solitude to my thoughts, coffee, and my computer and a new opportunity.

I will be closer to work, the same distance from my fiance with whom I will have a place where we can be alone, a place she can visit. Later on after we get my things moved we will spend much needed time together and soak in each other's presence. I cannot wait to hold her.







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