i die today and no one knows
he has come and he will go
always walking to and fro
whichever way the wind will blow
death be not the fear of man
no more to understand
hours pass like slipping sand
before the body turned so grand
fighting not but choked within
surrender now where i begin
feeding off the reapers grim
and palid blaring din
the roadside way has fallen to
those of us who never knew
when God has called and trumpets blew
decaying flesh of earthen stew
the rot of guts and broken legs
to be so proud the begger begs
transgress him not lest ye forget
you might just lose that much!
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Monday, January 19, 2009
Friday, December 19, 2008
White Christmas...
walking down the street on freshly fallen snow
deep and cold it fills my socks wherever i may go
trudge out to my car to clear anothers way
darkened candle waits for me to light another day
wife stayed home from work excited about the white
that drifted high between the cars sometime overnight
something needs to break and something says it's her
don't crush her tender spirit with deeply hurtful words
do i think i'm better as i'm wanting more for us?
what of her desires? do they matter much?
still here feeling awkward needing friend or two
best friends are south of here always beent he truth
i do hate my job: feeding uncle sam
i didn't choose to be here but i still find i am
just the thought of leaving not caring anymore
find my place to be on some distant shore
still my wife's at home where i long to be
to sit and find the special there inside of we
if i want it bad enough and maybe i just might
i'll stop pretending, praying, turning out the light
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Consistent Viscosity...Ballad of The White Horse
I blame myself and rightly so or at least I should
When face to face with my consistent lack of good
The day has frittered to upon all the things I would
But all along I will be judged by where these days I stood
My life holds true viscosity to where I eb and flow
These moments I do realize when I am alone
The test of faith where I am proved allow myself to grow
Or bury head ignoring all that I have come to know
I pray for sun when comes the rain heaping up a fear
And then for rain when it's too hot or just for someone near
Consistent ignorance viscosity when I refuse to hear
A silent calm lack thereof flows from one so dear
Ballad of the White Horse
Where Ind's enamelled peaks arise
When face to face with my consistent lack of good
The day has frittered to upon all the things I would
But all along I will be judged by where these days I stood
My life holds true viscosity to where I eb and flow
These moments I do realize when I am alone
The test of faith where I am proved allow myself to grow
Or bury head ignoring all that I have come to know
I pray for sun when comes the rain heaping up a fear
And then for rain when it's too hot or just for someone near
Consistent ignorance viscosity when I refuse to hear
A silent calm lack thereof flows from one so dear
Ballad of the White Horse
Where Ind's enamelled peaks arise
Around that inmost one
Where ancient eagles on it's brink
Vast as archangels, gather and drink
The sacrament of the sun
And men brake out of the northern lands
Enormous lands alone
Where a spell is laid upon life and lust
And the rain is changed to a silver dust
And the sea to a great green stone
And a Shape that moveth murkily
In mirrors of ice and night
Hath blanched with fear all the beasts and birds
As death and a shock of evil words
Blast a man's hair with white
And the cry of the palms and the purple moons
Or the cry of the frost and foam
Swept ever round an inmost place
And the din of distant race on race
Cried and replied round Rome
And there was death on the Emperor
And night upon the Pope
And Alfred hiding in deep grass
Hardened his heart with hope...
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
The White Horse Continued...
For the end of the world was long ago
And all we dwell today
Like children of some second birth
Like a strange people left on earth
After a judgment day.
For the end of the world was long ago
When the ends of the world waxed free
When Rome was sunk in a wast of slaves
And the sun drowned in the sea
When Caesar's sun fell out of the sky
And whoso hearkened right
Could only hear the plunging
Of the nations in the night
When the ends of the earth cam marching in
To torch and cresset gleam
And the roads of the world that lead to Rome
Were filled with faces that moved like foam
Like faces in a dream.
And Men rode out of the eastern lands
Broad river and burning plain
Trees that are Titan flowers to see
And tiger skies, striped horribly
With tints of tropic rain.
What second world we live in that has been forgotten
Like over left a dinner that has long gone rotten
What whispers of our past lives of what we are down trodden
For the sake of all of us our White Horse has plodden
And all we dwell today
Like children of some second birth
Like a strange people left on earth
After a judgment day.
For the end of the world was long ago
When the ends of the world waxed free
When Rome was sunk in a wast of slaves
And the sun drowned in the sea
When Caesar's sun fell out of the sky
And whoso hearkened right
Could only hear the plunging
Of the nations in the night
When the ends of the earth cam marching in
To torch and cresset gleam
And the roads of the world that lead to Rome
Were filled with faces that moved like foam
Like faces in a dream.
And Men rode out of the eastern lands
Broad river and burning plain
Trees that are Titan flowers to see
And tiger skies, striped horribly
With tints of tropic rain.
What second world we live in that has been forgotten
Like over left a dinner that has long gone rotten
What whispers of our past lives of what we are down trodden
For the sake of all of us our White Horse has plodden
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Ballad of the White Horse
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Before the gods that made the gods
Had seen their sunrise pass
The White Horse of the White Horse Vale
Was cut out of the grass.
Before the gods that made the gods
Had drunk at dawn their fill
The White Horse of the White Horse Vale
Was hoary on the hill.
Age beyond age on British land
Aenos on aeons gone
Was peace and war in western hills
And the White Horse looked on.
For the White Horse knew England
When there was none to know
He saw the first oar break or bend
He saw Heaven fall and the world end
O God, how long ago!
How far we've come from the foundations of our poetic forefathers!!
Had seen their sunrise pass
The White Horse of the White Horse Vale
Was cut out of the grass.
Before the gods that made the gods
Had drunk at dawn their fill
The White Horse of the White Horse Vale
Was hoary on the hill.
Age beyond age on British land
Aenos on aeons gone
Was peace and war in western hills
And the White Horse looked on.
For the White Horse knew England
When there was none to know
He saw the first oar break or bend
He saw Heaven fall and the world end
O God, how long ago!
How far we've come from the foundations of our poetic forefathers!!
Monday, November 3, 2008
So Begins Another Day
So begins another day and I do not want to write this
I awoke beside my angel and quickly spurned her kiss
I hate my life and sincerely want it changed
To take away the guilt I feel that’s left me feeling strange
I need there be the intimate well within my soul
Something greater, but none in store helping me be whole.
What lies become the fallen man that I have overcome?
Subject to this race of guilt and now I’ve come undone
So too little much too late you’re here and I’m a mess
Battered by these winds and waves and breaking of their crest
What have I to offer up in goodness and in health?
Eternal quality life thereof has left in me a welt.
Give to Caesar what is his and God will take the rest
We didn’t ask to be brought in to the world that he knows best
The Stream of Life has swelled to rage and overtakes me now
Crawl into a cave of silence please just dry me out.
Pen in hand to make a list of things I hope will save
In hopes that I will not be found to be a babbling nave.
So begins another day and I do not want to write this
I awoke beside my angel and quickly spurned her kiss
I hate my life and sincerely want it changed
To take away the guilt I feel that’s left me feeling strange
I need there be the intimate well within my soul
Something greater, but none in store helping me be whole.
What lies become the fallen man that I have overcome?
Subject to this race of guilt and now I’ve come undone
So too little much too late you’re here and I’m a mess
Battered by these winds and waves and breaking of their crest
What have I to offer up in goodness and in health?
Eternal quality life thereof has left in me a welt.
Give to Caesar what is his and God will take the rest
We didn’t ask to be brought in to the world that he knows best
The Stream of Life has swelled to rage and overtakes me now
Crawl into a cave of silence please just dry me out.
Pen in hand to make a list of things I hope will save
In hopes that I will not be found to be a babbling nave.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Attention Defficit and ADHD
ADD and ADHD or Attention Deficit and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder has some stunning statistics behind it. Anywhere between one and three out of thirty children will have this learning disability as noted by Dr. Russell Barkley.
The statistics for adults with ADD/ADHD are a bit more scattered ranging anywhere between 2% and 7% of the population. Some people may describe having a child with ADD as having three kids in one and may find it difficult to grasp that their child's emotional development is about 30% behind that of his non-ADD peers.
Some of the many features of ADD include the inability to sit still for long periods of time, reading comprehension, a lag in verbal skills and fine motor skills, forgetfulness, lack or inability to concentrate for long periods of time and many others. Doctors and parents are certainly well aware of the implications this has for school performance as well as the child's social interaction.
Research has shown that children with ADD are more at risk for co-morbidity, or to be diagnosed with a mood or personality disorder such as major depressive disorder, bi-polar disorder, or dysthymia as they pass from adolescence to adulthood. Some have also stated that ADD may be a segway into one of these. They are also more at risk for dependency on alcohol especially when there has been a stressful family experience such as a divorce.
ADD can be hard to diagnose because there are many symptoms that overlap with bi-polar disorder such as impulsivity, sleeplessness, talkativeness, racing thoughts, and distractibility. These two disorders are commonly misdiagnosed and proper attention must be given during evaluation.
It is also interesting to note that parents of an Attention Deficit and or ADHD child are more likely to divorce. This is an unfair statement however and may reflect that it is not unusual for at least one of those parents to also have Attention Deficit Disorder which itself can cause much conflict in relationships and marriage.
Given these statistics it is difficult to grasp how there may be much hope for success for a child with Attention Deficit Disorder. It was just twenty years ago when all there was in the way of medication was Ritalin. Today, thankfully, we have others such as Aderal and Strattera to help parents and children cope and allow the child to adjust and grow along with his fellow peers. It is not impossible for him to go on to college and find a good paying job that he finds enjoyable.
These medications are thought to act on the neurotransmitters norepinephrine, dopamine and serotonin by increasing it's presence in the brain. It is interesting to note that many of the drugs available to treat ADD and ADHD symptoms are stimulants but actually serve to calm the individual. However, there is potential for abuse with some of these drugs especially Ritalin.
With the ability to allow the individual to focus also come short and long term side effects. One side effect of Ritalin that is short and long term is loss of appetite which initially can cause weight loss but in the long run can cause malnutrition. Other side effects of Ritalin include toxic psychosis, psychotic episodes and dependency. Other long term side effects include irregular heartbeat and breathing.
As far as other short term side effects of Ritalin may include insomnia, headaches, and digestive problems just to name a few. In children it is vital that much care is taken to ensure that the correct medication, dosage and dosage times be monitored very closely. One thing to strongly consider when thinking about Ritalin is that the United States Army has denied people on a regular basis for the simple fact that they have been prescribed the drug. For simply having taken Ritalin the individual can be refused from serving their country.
The statistics for adults with ADD/ADHD are a bit more scattered ranging anywhere between 2% and 7% of the population. Some people may describe having a child with ADD as having three kids in one and may find it difficult to grasp that their child's emotional development is about 30% behind that of his non-ADD peers.
Some of the many features of ADD include the inability to sit still for long periods of time, reading comprehension, a lag in verbal skills and fine motor skills, forgetfulness, lack or inability to concentrate for long periods of time and many others. Doctors and parents are certainly well aware of the implications this has for school performance as well as the child's social interaction.
Research has shown that children with ADD are more at risk for co-morbidity, or to be diagnosed with a mood or personality disorder such as major depressive disorder, bi-polar disorder, or dysthymia as they pass from adolescence to adulthood. Some have also stated that ADD may be a segway into one of these. They are also more at risk for dependency on alcohol especially when there has been a stressful family experience such as a divorce.
ADD can be hard to diagnose because there are many symptoms that overlap with bi-polar disorder such as impulsivity, sleeplessness, talkativeness, racing thoughts, and distractibility. These two disorders are commonly misdiagnosed and proper attention must be given during evaluation.
It is also interesting to note that parents of an Attention Deficit and or ADHD child are more likely to divorce. This is an unfair statement however and may reflect that it is not unusual for at least one of those parents to also have Attention Deficit Disorder which itself can cause much conflict in relationships and marriage.
Given these statistics it is difficult to grasp how there may be much hope for success for a child with Attention Deficit Disorder. It was just twenty years ago when all there was in the way of medication was Ritalin. Today, thankfully, we have others such as Aderal and Strattera to help parents and children cope and allow the child to adjust and grow along with his fellow peers. It is not impossible for him to go on to college and find a good paying job that he finds enjoyable.
These medications are thought to act on the neurotransmitters norepinephrine, dopamine and serotonin by increasing it's presence in the brain. It is interesting to note that many of the drugs available to treat ADD and ADHD symptoms are stimulants but actually serve to calm the individual. However, there is potential for abuse with some of these drugs especially Ritalin.
With the ability to allow the individual to focus also come short and long term side effects. One side effect of Ritalin that is short and long term is loss of appetite which initially can cause weight loss but in the long run can cause malnutrition. Other side effects of Ritalin include toxic psychosis, psychotic episodes and dependency. Other long term side effects include irregular heartbeat and breathing.
As far as other short term side effects of Ritalin may include insomnia, headaches, and digestive problems just to name a few. In children it is vital that much care is taken to ensure that the correct medication, dosage and dosage times be monitored very closely. One thing to strongly consider when thinking about Ritalin is that the United States Army has denied people on a regular basis for the simple fact that they have been prescribed the drug. For simply having taken Ritalin the individual can be refused from serving their country.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Forever Love, Please?
There is something that happens when someone you love leaves. It doesn't have to be permenant but maybe just simply going to work while you have to stay home or to the grocery store. It is a sense of loss and loneliness. It doesn't feel good.
Our cat has curled up on the bed next to me as is asleep for the day or until I wake her up to play or bother her with petting. I miss Caryn. She has a headache today and I wish that she were here so that I might take care of her. Tomorrow I have the day off and we will spend it together. I can't wait. I know she can't either.
We got back from our honeymoon about a week ago and since it's been pretty crazy. She worked a lot and so did I. It's hard going from being with someone 24/7 to seeing them hardly at all. I want to succeed at something. I want to do something with my life. I heard someone famous say that same thing and the thing that made the difference was that someone told her that she was doing something with her life.
She didn't just want to be an actress, she was an actress. Not long after that she hit it big. It was a change in perspective. So maybe I'm doing something with my life; maybe I am succeeding. I heard a song yesterday from one of my favorite bands. The first line of the chorus went: I am indestructable with a determination that is incoruptable. It's a fight, that's for sure. I have a lot of fight in me because that's what I've done most of my life.
Today though I don't want to fight. I want comfort in the knowledge that I'm on the right track. That knowledge comes from proof. What proof do I need? I guess that's what I'm looking for today: proof of life. Caryn and I have this thing where we say "Forever love, please?". It's our way of letting each other know that we're in it for the long haul. It's also our way of saying "Tell me that you love me".
I guess it boils down to taking stock in what you have around you. I really do have quite a lot but it's not the "things" so much as realizing that all I have has indeed been a gift and for that I am thankful.
Our cat has curled up on the bed next to me as is asleep for the day or until I wake her up to play or bother her with petting. I miss Caryn. She has a headache today and I wish that she were here so that I might take care of her. Tomorrow I have the day off and we will spend it together. I can't wait. I know she can't either.
We got back from our honeymoon about a week ago and since it's been pretty crazy. She worked a lot and so did I. It's hard going from being with someone 24/7 to seeing them hardly at all. I want to succeed at something. I want to do something with my life. I heard someone famous say that same thing and the thing that made the difference was that someone told her that she was doing something with her life.
She didn't just want to be an actress, she was an actress. Not long after that she hit it big. It was a change in perspective. So maybe I'm doing something with my life; maybe I am succeeding. I heard a song yesterday from one of my favorite bands. The first line of the chorus went: I am indestructable with a determination that is incoruptable. It's a fight, that's for sure. I have a lot of fight in me because that's what I've done most of my life.
Today though I don't want to fight. I want comfort in the knowledge that I'm on the right track. That knowledge comes from proof. What proof do I need? I guess that's what I'm looking for today: proof of life. Caryn and I have this thing where we say "Forever love, please?". It's our way of letting each other know that we're in it for the long haul. It's also our way of saying "Tell me that you love me".
I guess it boils down to taking stock in what you have around you. I really do have quite a lot but it's not the "things" so much as realizing that all I have has indeed been a gift and for that I am thankful.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
A Walk to Remember...
I greeted today relaxed and pleasantly enjoyable. I opened my eyes to find my wife laying next to me and starting to squirm at the days first ray fo light beeming in through the window. I miss her right now...We got up and got going and fought over something stupid today. I was telling her that I talked to my best friend last night, from Indiana, and mentioned a few of the things we talked about.
She said she hoped that I told him that she was a good wife too and I was like, what? She knows I love her and that I think she is wonderful. She knows that my buddy and his wife think she's great too. Being married is sure different than being single. I like it better but you just never know when what appears to be someone else's insecurity just may be your own.
One of us was about to leave and we stopped short and made amends. An hour or so later we went for a walk out in the woods. The day was so nice: blue sky, lots of sun, and the beloved woods. The out of doors has brought me so much peace in the past and today it was time to reclaim some of that. So we set out innocently enough and came to a small river. It was big enough that we had to stop and figure out how we were going to get across.
Well, I made it dry enough. She saw me standing there and asked me what my problem was and leaped where I had already looked. In she went. I laughed so hard. We finally got across and went for the treck of our lives. Well, what what small lives we live in the suburbs with Detroit being three miles east of us. We got pretty lost but we found our way out after about an hour or so of being in there altogether.
She was mad that all the stuff I did up until then could have been done without her. She wanted some attention. I needed to get lost before I could have the space enough to give it to her. I don't think either one of us understood that until we were out there. We stopped and just hugged in the middle of the woods and just held each other. We made our way back and we were starving so I made us a mess of eggs and toast. I need her. I miss her.
She said she hoped that I told him that she was a good wife too and I was like, what? She knows I love her and that I think she is wonderful. She knows that my buddy and his wife think she's great too. Being married is sure different than being single. I like it better but you just never know when what appears to be someone else's insecurity just may be your own.
One of us was about to leave and we stopped short and made amends. An hour or so later we went for a walk out in the woods. The day was so nice: blue sky, lots of sun, and the beloved woods. The out of doors has brought me so much peace in the past and today it was time to reclaim some of that. So we set out innocently enough and came to a small river. It was big enough that we had to stop and figure out how we were going to get across.
Well, I made it dry enough. She saw me standing there and asked me what my problem was and leaped where I had already looked. In she went. I laughed so hard. We finally got across and went for the treck of our lives. Well, what what small lives we live in the suburbs with Detroit being three miles east of us. We got pretty lost but we found our way out after about an hour or so of being in there altogether.
She was mad that all the stuff I did up until then could have been done without her. She wanted some attention. I needed to get lost before I could have the space enough to give it to her. I don't think either one of us understood that until we were out there. We stopped and just hugged in the middle of the woods and just held each other. We made our way back and we were starving so I made us a mess of eggs and toast. I need her. I miss her.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Greetings Funny Sweetest Day!
Caryn is off to work on sweetest day and I am left to my own devices for the next few hours. It's a beautiful day outside and I need to get out and be in the woods for a while. I feel that pull again, a calling, a summoning rather toward something sacred.
I am at a loss at the present. My first day back from my honeymoon and it takes my site supers aging father to have an emergency to keep me from being written up. My second day back and I get screamed at literally over spilled coffee.
Then when I get home my cat bites me for no reason so I popped it a good one and now we're not doing so great. On the other hand, it is sweetest day and I miss my angel. I hate being in trouble for no reason and people and or animals hating me for their own stupidity.
I know, I can't control people or my cat, but I can draw lines and not allow them to cross. I wish I had a dog but that's a different story. Here's a sweetest day poem I wrote last night for Caryn. I love her so much.
I am at a loss at the present. My first day back from my honeymoon and it takes my site supers aging father to have an emergency to keep me from being written up. My second day back and I get screamed at literally over spilled coffee.
Then when I get home my cat bites me for no reason so I popped it a good one and now we're not doing so great. On the other hand, it is sweetest day and I miss my angel. I hate being in trouble for no reason and people and or animals hating me for their own stupidity.
I know, I can't control people or my cat, but I can draw lines and not allow them to cross. I wish I had a dog but that's a different story. Here's a sweetest day poem I wrote last night for Caryn. I love her so much.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Parkinsons...
My best friend has Parkinsons. I've watched him shake as he pours his coffee in the morning. He needs something that will break through all the medications the doctors throw at him. He was in my wedding and gave the speech at the reception. It was good to see him...sort of.
Wide Awake!!!
I need to WAKE UP!! Chances are my wife does too. I'm tired of being inatentive, unmotivated and all the rest of that crap! There has to be something out there that can help. Hope so...
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Dog Tricks Training Program
Erik Mudler is a dog lover and training researcher. In his Dog Tricks Training Program he explains how to teach your dog in just five minutes a day to do things like wake up the kids, find the remote or keys, open and close doors, drawers and cabinets and a host of other things.
Not only does he show you how to teach your dog a few things, he shows you how to connect with your pup better, enjoy interacting and playing more, solve behavioral problems, keep them healthier and more obedient, improve your communication with them and most imortanly, just simply having fun with them.
Not only does he show you how to teach your dog a few things, he shows you how to connect with your pup better, enjoy interacting and playing more, solve behavioral problems, keep them healthier and more obedient, improve your communication with them and most imortanly, just simply having fun with them.
In this course Erik shows you how they do it in Hollywood by use of a technique called shaping. It is a step by step process that leads your dog through a sequence of commands and the end result is amazing.
The Dog Tricks Training program also goes on the show you how to teach your dog names: people, places, objects. You can teach him the names of family members, keys, the remote and a host of other things. Dogs have a very keen memory and can learn hundreds of these names and commands.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Contented Confusion
Found out today there was nothing really wrong. Went for a walk with my fiance and we talked about how get married in a way that was meaningful to us without all the glitz of expectation that we felt was a part of society. I love her and I want to be with her so badly; to wake up next to the one that I will spend the rest of my life with and fall asleep in her arms...I miss her.
I'll see her tonight when I get out of work for a bit. Then we'll get up and go to church tomorrow morning and spend the afternoon together before I go yet again to work and then home. The voices of those around me fill my mind with questions of what my plans are for the future, if I intend on going back to school, how I will do this or that, different things that people say that don't really point in any one direction but just leave things open ended.
Which way do I go? How do I get there? Too bad those around me don't really have the answer that I'm looking for. It is strange to me that those questions linger and yet I look about me and realize that I am content with where I am.
I want to work and get married and eventually start a family. That's all I really want. I don't want anything glamorous. Everyone says you can't do it without an education but the truth is that the higher the salary the bigger the bills. One could make 80,000 a year and have a big house and fancy cars and all the best of everything but still have a hard time making ends meet and want more and more.
One could also make 20,000 a year and have enough to get by on but little more than that and still be ok. Do you know what I really want? I want the woods. I want the earth, the wind, the rain and the lightning. I want to touch nature and be a part of it. Some people spend their whole lives going after the bigger paycheck and end up with a broken home, a forclosure on their house, and have to give their cars back and for what?
All because Ford, GM, or Chrystler downsized and they loose everything. What are they left with? Exactly what I have and I didn't pay for it: nature. They sky does not change, nor the rivers or birds. The only difference is that what I earn comes in the form of satisfaction and peace and that what I do not have I do not need and that what I do need is given me. I can trust that. I can know that for certain.
There is a quietness that has been over me for the better part of the day and even this past week. I have moved to a better place where I am centered and it shows. I am thankful for this. I am thankful that this day, all is as it should be and what will be, will be.
I'll see her tonight when I get out of work for a bit. Then we'll get up and go to church tomorrow morning and spend the afternoon together before I go yet again to work and then home. The voices of those around me fill my mind with questions of what my plans are for the future, if I intend on going back to school, how I will do this or that, different things that people say that don't really point in any one direction but just leave things open ended.
Which way do I go? How do I get there? Too bad those around me don't really have the answer that I'm looking for. It is strange to me that those questions linger and yet I look about me and realize that I am content with where I am.
I want to work and get married and eventually start a family. That's all I really want. I don't want anything glamorous. Everyone says you can't do it without an education but the truth is that the higher the salary the bigger the bills. One could make 80,000 a year and have a big house and fancy cars and all the best of everything but still have a hard time making ends meet and want more and more.
One could also make 20,000 a year and have enough to get by on but little more than that and still be ok. Do you know what I really want? I want the woods. I want the earth, the wind, the rain and the lightning. I want to touch nature and be a part of it. Some people spend their whole lives going after the bigger paycheck and end up with a broken home, a forclosure on their house, and have to give their cars back and for what?
All because Ford, GM, or Chrystler downsized and they loose everything. What are they left with? Exactly what I have and I didn't pay for it: nature. They sky does not change, nor the rivers or birds. The only difference is that what I earn comes in the form of satisfaction and peace and that what I do not have I do not need and that what I do need is given me. I can trust that. I can know that for certain.
There is a quietness that has been over me for the better part of the day and even this past week. I have moved to a better place where I am centered and it shows. I am thankful for this. I am thankful that this day, all is as it should be and what will be, will be.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Slept Late...
...i find it hard...it's hard to find...cigarette, coffee, silence and so begins my day. I lost control sometime during last night's romp through the haunted forest in my mind and have awoken to the reality and the disappointment that the rest of the world has been alive for quite sometime now.
I leave for work in an hour and now must sift the anxious desire to find my peace from the battlefield just outside my door. I am a slave and the harsh wind has become my master beating it's driving whip down upon my back till I move and act according to it's will. My Creator seems distant and through the wind of confusion in my soul it feels as though he is unable to hear my voice.
For the last two nights that I have laid my head to slumber in my new residence I have entered fearing the loneliness I once felt so long ago. As I said, somewhere during last night's romp I lost control. I have awoken a disaster with things scattered about that are my duty to pick up because I alone own them.
It is not the fact that I don't want to pick up after myself, but it is a reminder that I can only keep things straight for so long. I am messy. I am a mess. It is embarrassing and I want to hide it. It is a frightful thing to know that people are not the problem, but it is me; I alone am the one who must submit for fear of being realized as an inconvenience, in the way, someone else's problem.
That sense pervades with every new place I find myself in, that I must hide, that I must stay out of the way and hidden speaking not, touching not. There are obligations I feel inside of me, the duty of work and maintaining life, that I must free myself from in order to fulfill them. The more I let go, the more I find that I belong.
A woman walks down the sidewalk with her son. Her only purpose this afternoon. I watch disdainfully for misery loves company as I have chosen to bare the weight of the world upon my back. That is the truth: I have chosen it and that is more disdainful than anything. To be the martyr for my own cause and justify the agony rather than reject it. How dare I do that to myself.
How dare I not fight for what I need. How dare any of us expect a badge of honor for our own inadequacies.
I leave for work in an hour and now must sift the anxious desire to find my peace from the battlefield just outside my door. I am a slave and the harsh wind has become my master beating it's driving whip down upon my back till I move and act according to it's will. My Creator seems distant and through the wind of confusion in my soul it feels as though he is unable to hear my voice.
For the last two nights that I have laid my head to slumber in my new residence I have entered fearing the loneliness I once felt so long ago. As I said, somewhere during last night's romp I lost control. I have awoken a disaster with things scattered about that are my duty to pick up because I alone own them.
It is not the fact that I don't want to pick up after myself, but it is a reminder that I can only keep things straight for so long. I am messy. I am a mess. It is embarrassing and I want to hide it. It is a frightful thing to know that people are not the problem, but it is me; I alone am the one who must submit for fear of being realized as an inconvenience, in the way, someone else's problem.
That sense pervades with every new place I find myself in, that I must hide, that I must stay out of the way and hidden speaking not, touching not. There are obligations I feel inside of me, the duty of work and maintaining life, that I must free myself from in order to fulfill them. The more I let go, the more I find that I belong.
A woman walks down the sidewalk with her son. Her only purpose this afternoon. I watch disdainfully for misery loves company as I have chosen to bare the weight of the world upon my back. That is the truth: I have chosen it and that is more disdainful than anything. To be the martyr for my own cause and justify the agony rather than reject it. How dare I do that to myself.
How dare I not fight for what I need. How dare any of us expect a badge of honor for our own inadequacies.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Settling Dust
There is a soothing in the chaos and an excitement in the air as I have awoken this morning. The buzz of people moving about with disregard for the sleeping dog has ended and I greet this new chapter with open arms. I moved for the 19th time in my 29 years of life this last weekend and can finally say that I have looked forward to it with anticipation.
I left my fiances house last night and stopped by Meijer to pick up a few things to enlighten my room afresh instead of the grimy bulbs that grace the fixture on my ceiling and a six-pack to celebrate of which I only drank two cans from but still were more than I could hope for. As I was at the store I wandered through the isles of different wares that people purchase when they are starting out a newness in their lives and I too felt for the first time that I was about to raise my standard of living, and that, for the better.
I wandered down the hallways of dinnerware and place settings and through the corridors of intimates and stopped by the home where music and cameras capture the moments of life we would not soon forget. I thought of all the wonderful things that are to come and the joy that will abound as I take my first steps into my adult life.
There is a sense of pride about my life rather than the need to prove wrong what my world has considered what is and what should be. All things are permissable and I have a healthy mind to distinguish between what is beneficial and what is not. I have been set free now to run the course my life will take and welcome the blessing that I may now choose the good and leave the agony thus far behind me.
I am thrilled by this new adventure and embrace a sense of purpose that has been cocooned for so long and has now been given birth to something beautiful, and determined.
As is important to all of us, privacy is something that should be fought for. Fight back with Reverse Phone Detective. Relationships can be hard enough without the fear of loosing someone you love. If you're in trouble, CLICK HERE!!! We could all use a refresher course in French or Spanish to communicate with the growing number of people we come in contact who are from another country.
As is important to all of us, privacy is something that should be fought for. Fight back with Reverse Phone Detective. Relationships can be hard enough without the fear of loosing someone you love. If you're in trouble, CLICK HERE!!! We could all use a refresher course in French or Spanish to communicate with the growing number of people we come in contact who are from another country.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Moviing Today
Today I am moving. I am content with that and happy. I'm almost 30 years old and have moved nearly 20 times and this may indeed be the first time that I have actually looked forward to it. I awoke this morning a half hour before I decided last night that I would get up due to the constant noise that lives here along side me.
My house mates married girlfriend moved in not long ago with her son and two dogs. My other house mate also has a dog. I am tired and I am angry over being pushed aside and of the sense that I am an inconvenience, but this day I claim for myself: it's not that I have been asked to leave, but that I am happy to go.
I sip coffee and puff a cigarette while listening to Three Days Grace, my usual fare when I wake up. I am waiting for my chance, my opportunity. I've been to Louisville to the Derby Museum and I've been out on the track where the races are. I too have been in the stable and prepared and now I wait anxiously, determined, focused on the race set before me. The gate will open and I will run with fury.
I will not look back on where I've come save to drive every stride I take. I will not faulter and I will not go left or right. I will win that which I have set out for. The sky is gray and it is raining. It is the start of springtime and last nights storm has left a chil in the air. My fiance will arrive in two hours to help me pack the rest of my things and will drive with me to my new place.
That place too will only be temporary but will be useful in the mean time. My new room mate works days and I work afternoons and we'll see each other but in passing on occasion. I will wake there in quiet solitude to my thoughts, coffee, and my computer and a new opportunity.
I will be closer to work, the same distance from my fiance with whom I will have a place where we can be alone, a place she can visit. Later on after we get my things moved we will spend much needed time together and soak in each other's presence. I cannot wait to hold her.
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My house mates married girlfriend moved in not long ago with her son and two dogs. My other house mate also has a dog. I am tired and I am angry over being pushed aside and of the sense that I am an inconvenience, but this day I claim for myself: it's not that I have been asked to leave, but that I am happy to go.
I sip coffee and puff a cigarette while listening to Three Days Grace, my usual fare when I wake up. I am waiting for my chance, my opportunity. I've been to Louisville to the Derby Museum and I've been out on the track where the races are. I too have been in the stable and prepared and now I wait anxiously, determined, focused on the race set before me. The gate will open and I will run with fury.
I will not look back on where I've come save to drive every stride I take. I will not faulter and I will not go left or right. I will win that which I have set out for. The sky is gray and it is raining. It is the start of springtime and last nights storm has left a chil in the air. My fiance will arrive in two hours to help me pack the rest of my things and will drive with me to my new place.
That place too will only be temporary but will be useful in the mean time. My new room mate works days and I work afternoons and we'll see each other but in passing on occasion. I will wake there in quiet solitude to my thoughts, coffee, and my computer and a new opportunity.
I will be closer to work, the same distance from my fiance with whom I will have a place where we can be alone, a place she can visit. Later on after we get my things moved we will spend much needed time together and soak in each other's presence. I cannot wait to hold her.
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Net Master Series™ Site Traffic Booster
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